Don't See, Mommy

I'm sitting quietly at the dining room table, having just eaten a wonderfully terrible lunch (wendy's, and a cupcake from the Preschooler's half-birthday). Reading my email, catching up on blogs, allowing myself to get sucked into the time sink that is facebook. You see, the Baby is asleep, and P. is watching Backyardigans in her playroom while doing... something. I don't know what, and I'm really happy about this, this freedom to leave her to her own devices and trust that she won't hurt herself or one of her posessions.

It's been hard-won, this independence. It started with me being exhausted in that special progesterone-induced drowse that only a viable pregnancy can induce. P. would bounce around me trying to get me to entertain her and I would plead "please, just draw for a few minutes while I rest". Desperate not to blame The Baby for my inaction.

It continued with me being exhausted from baby induced sleep-deprivation. Trying to fit in breastfeeding/pumping/eating/resting into my day along with P. entertaining was a herculean feat. P. gradually learned that we would love it, really, if she would just ... figure out something to do. She could turn on her DVD player by herself (I dare you to criticize, you who haven't walked in MY shoes), get her crayons/paper out herself, get her puzzles out herself; as long as she didn't wake the Baby or wake a sleeping Mommy, she was free to roam.

Like right now, she's jumping up and down and dancing with the Backyardigans, quietly, sweetly....

"crack".

"What just happened, P.?"

"Don't see, Mommy!" < sounds of strumming >
Translation: I know I was doing something stupid and I don't want you to come in and be disappointed in me so if you don't see, it never happened.

Oh P, I don't have to see. I know. You were jumping up and down on your < insert breakable instrument here>, and it's cracked.

Oops I did it again

Aaaaand it's September. There was a headlong rush from the end of July to now -- filled with summer camp, many weekends on Cape Cod, and a camping trip to New Hampshire. Let' s not forget the DNC (yeah!) and the RNC (BOO!) (Which reminds me: put a sock in it). I discovered facebook at some point this summer and really got sucked into it in August. Then I poke my head up from the explosion of packed/unpacked STUFF in my living room and notice, holy shit, today is my 10th wedding anniversary!

I am learning that my lack of posts generally coincides with my general dissatisfaction with my life (for lack of a better phrase), and not really with my level of busyness. Let's face it, life with 2 kids under 5 is always busy, so I can't blame not posting on that! Rather, I just don't have anything "nice" to say. Or at least, I really don't find kvetching/bitching about my current state of affairs very interesting. Feel free to correct me, and quote my past complaining.

Okay, so what am I not whining about here? Well, Budgets. And Hemmorhaging Money to moving/children/fuel oil. The wash/rinse/repeat life of a SAHM. That moving has napalmed my social life. Struggling to add my 5 years out of the paid workforce in a meaningful way to my resume. Finding confidence in my ability to be a worker someone would want to pay to do something *I* want to do -- and that's not Insurance Sales. There are some people in my life who made the choice not to have kids (hear that Sarah Palin? CHOICE), and I find myself in serious envy of that decision. Do not get all jumpy, I love my daughters, but sometimes, I wish I had my disposable income/time back.

See? So very uninteresting.